Advice or Life Lesson
From Lori from Louisana
An Emotional Misfit
I would rather take a beating than share what I am about to share with you. It takes a deep dive into the emotional drunk that I have been, and completely removes the possibility that you might see me and my life as all neat and pretty on a shelf – as if that is ever the case. But the thing is, I am writing this book to help you and others dig out of the hell hole that I found myself in while in my emotional addiction.
I married at the age of 22. My husband was 25. We were fresh out of college, and it was the next sensible step to take. He is an introvert who can fake extroversion when needed. He was a musician and a bartender. For fun, he liked to skydive. He made straight A’s and held the promise of a great career in front of him. He had long curly (permed) blonde hair and had a motorcycle. He wore a black leather jacket and sunglasses to class, and he always sat on the front row. Many of the girls on campus had a crush on Bailey, and so did I. He was the cool guy, and I wanted him!
I had it all planned out. We would fall in love, get married, have 2.5 children and the whole fairy tale. I never doubted that he would become more extroverted, want to join my church and coach all of the Little League teams our children were part of. Never mind that none of these things were part of who he was presently. I just figured that once we got married, he’d change.
WRONG.
On the contrary, Bailey stayed up late every night even though I went to bed by 10. He worked long hours and often we only saw each other an hour or two every day. I was a single mom half of the year because of tax season (he is a CPA) and my resentments grew by the day. With each year, Bailey became more politically conservative while I became more politically liberal. Bailey didn’t see the need for new clothes, vacations, or home decor. I loved all of those things. There was trouble in paradise, and this was obviously not the fairy tale I had written the script for in my head.
So how did I fight the voices in my head that told me he was responsible for my happiness and failing miserably at his job? Well, I had many emotional affairs. One right after another, trying to create the kind of fairy tale existence that lived in my head. I fell in love with people and organizations and activities and I expected my children and friends to fill the void that I felt he created. I was looking for someone or something to save me, because that’s exactly what happens in a fairy tale. One person saves another. But guess what? Fairy tales don’t freakin’ exist because everybody needs saving, not just the one.
When I tell you I was an emotional trainwreck, I’m telling you the insides of me were crumbling but the outside of me looked totally put together. And this is what it means to be an emotional drunk. We are searching frantically for salvation, and the thing is, it’s inside of us all the time. Each and every one of us. It is the divine spark that our Higher Power puts there when we are created, and we are never without it. But the bumps and bruises, scars and warts, abuse and neglect of life create this level of pain that tries its dead level best to block the light of that inner spark. The pain creates fear, and the fear tries to block the love. But when we get to the roots of what’s eating at us and we take it head on with the progression of these guiding principles, we can remove the toxic power of the pain so that all we are left with is the lessons and transformation that the pain teaches us. And we take our pain, and we share it with others who experienced pain too, and it heals us all. And when the pain is no longer there to dull the spark of the Divine within us all, that spark grows and grows into a light so bright that others can see it, and most important of all, we can feel it.
If anything like this has happened to you, rest assured that you are not alone. When I share my story with others, we find so much comfort and connection in each other. And you will too. You can trust me on this one because I have witnessed it happen over and over and over.
There is a God. And you’re not it. But that God of yours lives right inside of you. And always has. And always will.
